Okay let's get into it.
This part of sugar dating is probably the most unclear part because we aren't taught to directly say what we want in relationships. Sugar dating is all about getting to the point early on and even if it's a bit awkward at first addressing it early on, allows you to then move on to the fun parts quicker and without confusion.
So that's why sugar dating and the arrangement talk is a practice of being direct and not sugarcoating our desires. It's also a practice of receiving that direct message back.
Because we're not trained to have conversations in such a direct way, most people jump to one end of the extreme when being direct and treat it like a job negotiation. I will do X and you will do Z. But that's soo rigid and doesn't allow any room for magic to happen.
Tip #1: Make it a conversation. Not a negotiation.
Do it in a fun & exploratory way where you both feel like you're just getting to know each other and playing with each other's desires.
When you start the conversation with a demand such as "I won't see you unless you pay me $X", it immediately turns the other person off because now it feels like work.
This video goes into depth around the “negotiation”: Money Talk (pt. 1): Conversations lead to Solutions
Tip #2: Be an open book.
There will inevitably come a time during the arrangement talk when someone doesn't see eye to eye with you. Use this an opportunity to speak your mind rather than going into defense mode.
- Ex. A sugar daddy I went on a date with once said, "I don't like the financial element of arrangements". Instead of getting defensive or angry that this person "wasted my time" I simply played into what he said to try and understand why that was the case. He explained, “most girls expect so much without ever trying to get to know me.”
- So from there, I was able to reason with him by saying, "Yeah I can see how that would be off putting. I'm not saying they're right, but I do want to offer some perspective. There are a lot of sugardaddies that string girls along without ever actually providing for them in a meaningful way. That leads to girls going on defense to try and protect their time and energy. I don't think it's right to be demanding, but for me, financial support is really meaningful and I am looking to get to know someone who is open to that kind of arrangement."
- From there, we were able to have an open and transparent conversation about what we were looking for and how to approach the arrangement in a way that felt good for both of us. Neither one of us got our feelings hurt.
Tip #3: Try not to assign intent.
If someone phrases something in a way that leads to you feeling confused or even offended, make sure to clarify what they mean!! Try to stay open and listen without jumping to judgement.
There have been times that I thought this person meant something rude, when in reality, they just worded it awkwardly and I completely misunderstood them.
Remember, sugar dating and the conversations that come up can be awkward or uncomfortable for both people. (And sometimes the guys are just a little socially awkward too!)
Once you've come to an agreement, I always like to end the conversation by making a note that even though we've come to an agreement, we should be able to adjust the arrangement as our lives & needs change. We should check in with each other every month to make sure things are still working and adjust as we go.
You shouldn’t leave the date feeling confused. And if you do, you should text them to clarify. Ambiguity doesn’t lead to a “fuck yes”.